Our Therapeutic sessions have revealed : Reasons that compels Indian women, even those who are economically independent, to stay in sexually incompatible relationships.·
Women in India are conditioned to believe that sexual gratification is not an important aspect of their lives. Therapists have observed that most women struggling with sexless marriages don’t even consider or realize that lack of sex may be a root cause of their troubles.
Older generation women folks have been saying that “Never wash your dirty linen in public”, has a great deep meaning and as a result such women even don’t talk about it with their doctors.
Lack of sexual compatibility is the root cause of isolation for a woman in a marriage. This manifests in depression or ‘crying syndrome’. During therapy, we try to dig deeper and unravel the genesis of the constant fights and discontentment. In most cases it stems from sexless marriages. So lets analyse what forces Indian women, even those who are economically independent, to stay in sexually incompatible relationships?
Work and Family kills the woman’s sexual urge
Caught between work and family, Indian women lose their appetite for sex. Married women often complain that the burden of taking care of home, children and extended family is on them. Men manage to unwind after office hours but it becomes impossible for women to relax. Naturally, a woman’s body shuts down when in bed and she suppresses her sexual desire.
She feels overworked and the bed looks more inviting for a comfortable and peaceful night of sleep than sex. So in a situation like this even if the husband is willing, the woman postpones sex for weekends and holidays , thus leading to frustration and mis-understanding for both of them.
Fear of financial insecurity
Despite sexual incompatibility, Indian women try their best to salvage their marriage. A big reason for this is the need for financial stability. This is true for both working women and homemakers. The situation aggravates when it comes to addition of children, their education and security of future. The woman’s personal satisfaction takes a backseat.
Indian mothers stay in sexless and loveless marriages as long as they know their kids are safe. For them it is the need to protect and maintain the ‘complete family’ image and this comes with a price.
The fear of living alone and running the solo show are such big hurdles, that Indian married women choose to stay in sexless marriages, often all their lives.
Importance of sexual gratification in a marriage
The married women in India seldom considers it important and necessary to discuss around the need for sexual satisfaction. It is considered as a taboo. This taboo leads to a lack of awareness for both, the wife and the husband. Since discussing it is considered vulgar, women often feel sexual gratification is not important in a marriage.
The woman starts believing that sex is not the most important factor for a healthy and happy union. If her husband is – abusive, financially unstable, or does have an extramarital affair. then She doesn’t even realise that she could be deprived of her basic rights. And this is mostly due to social conditioning, where a sexless marriage is not considered the worst kind of marriage to be in.
The prospect of finding another partner, who could tick all the right boxes, also seems impossible to a married woman in India. The fear of the unknown works like a trap, and she prefers to stay in her current sexless marriage.
Feeling responsible for the lack of sex in marriage
More often than not married women feel responsible for their husband’s actions. They blame themselves for their sexual incompatibility and can even feel guilty of their own bodily needs. The fear of being judged silences them into leading sexless marriages.
Most Indian families do not view sexual incompatibility as a reason for separation. Often, the woman’s upbringing does not allow her the space to discuss marital problems with anyone, including her own husband. As a result, she continues to live in a sexless marriage.
Sex was never good, so there is nothing to miss
Often, women choose to stay off sex than be disappointed by it. This could happen due to a number of reasons. A woman’s sex information and even premarital experience may not have been satisfactorily right from the beginning, thus she gradually tends to lose interest in the act.
Instances, where the couple plan sex but cannot really see it through, make the experience frustrating for the woman. Her partner’s premature ejaculation or losing erection while insertion, or lack of foreplay, leaves her dry and dissatisfied.
This makes sex less enjoyable or inviting for the woman, and she chooses to voluntarily stay off it. With less sex comes low self esteem, which stops her from discussing her needs with her husband. More often than not, she internalises it and go to defence mechanism by shifting the blame on to herself that she has not been able to satisfy her partner.
Compatibility and sex are the same
This may come as a shock to most, but experts say emotional compatibility has nothing to do with sexual satisfaction. You could be best friends with your husband. You both could even be deeply in love. But even that may not guarantee a fulfilling sexual relationship.
What we do not realise is that sex and compatibility are two separate issues. Most Indian couples feel it is more important to live harmoniously. We, as a society, just don’t talk about the need for sexual gratification in marriages. Marriages are considered to produce children and a family in a society.
Women often stay in sexually deprived marriages because they are emotionally attached to their husbands. Living with someone for months or years can turn into a fond habit that one cannot get rid of easily.
Emotional and physical compatibility is what is required in a satisfying sexual relationship. Sex is just not a mechanical act of insertion and release, but something more than that to experience internally. A soul searching and eternal peace.
Parallel sex life outside marriage
It is a myth that Indian women do not crave for sex as much as the men do. Another convenient misbelief is that women want fewer sexual partners. If sex within marriage is not satisfactory, they are more than willing to look outside.
The best and most safe place they find is within the family. There are enumerous case studies in this regard. For a married woman, a parallel sex life would mean having one or more partner than the husband. These are mostly men she considers attractive and good enough to bed, but not be in a relationship with.
Indian women are, in fact, open to leading parallel sex lives. Dating apps like Tinder, Bumble and Hinge are as popular with married women in India, as they are with single ladies. In high profile societies they use Escort services, and do not feel guilty about it. They even go for one night stands as they get different taste and variety of experiences.